We Create The Men Who Kill Women

Women kill men, men kill women, sons kill parents, mothers kill babies, drug dealers kill other drug dealers, psychopaths kill randomly, and so on and so on. Murders are front page news every time they happen no matter the victim, no matter the reason. Neighbours are interviewed and always say they never saw it coming, “he seemed so nice, a little quite, but nice…”

We collectively lament the loss of an innocent life. We collectively ask how this could happen, who could do this, why, why, why. We voyeuristically watch the aftermath in silence as law enforcement hunts for a fugitive or the victim’s family stands in the rain outside a funeral service. Our attention is focused. Then the next playoff game, celebrity sighting or political scandal captures the headlines and the opportunity to prevent a tragedy from reoccurring is once again lost.

We return to our mundane lives in the comfort that it will never happen to us. We are content to expect that someone else will fix the problem. We choose to believe that we did nothing to contribute to the cause and have no capacity to prevent it from happening again. However, there is very much we can do and it does not require ten hours a week of community volunteering, or marching on parliament hill, or any financial contribution. Although, it does require courage and the strength of convictions as well as some honest self-assessment of our own attitudes.

Are all manners of violence preventable? Idealistically we could say there was always something that could have been done but realistically and unfortunately people will be murdered. Would stronger gun laws and mandatory minimum sentences have prevented gang killings in Toronto last year? Maybe, maybe not. Would improved funding for psychiatric care have prevented Jeffrey Arenburg from hunting down CJOH sports broadcaster Brian Smith? Maybe, maybe not.

However, one type of murder is highly preventable. Homicide by men who see their wives and girlfriends as possessions rather than as individuals with rights and choices. Men in our society are conditioned from an early age to sexually and domestically view women as objects. The pattern of domestic violence is extremely well documented and very predictable but yet nothing seems to ever change.

Roger Turmel once said if his wife ever left him, he'd be certain to kill her. Last week his wife Louise attempted to do just that and so he killed her before turning the gun on himself. Just a month prior, Frank Mailly left a note indicating his intention to kill his estranged wife Francine and their three children - Jessica, 12, Brandon, 9, and Kevin, 6. On Sunday, April 2nd he did just that before killing himself. These are premeditated acts of violence and we must look in the mirror when asking the question: Why do men kill wives and girlfriends when faced with the reality of a failed relationship?

Simplistically, the answer is because society condones the attitudes that lead to these actions. We are all outraged when someone is murdered but we aren’t outraged by the barrage of stereotypes and societal expectations that tell us that men have some sort of divine right to keep women where we want them – as cooks, cleaners, child bearers and sexual satisfiers. Oh, but if they can manage that and a career then all the power to them. We are only outraged by the result but not the cause: patriarchy.

David Warren is a popular columnist for the Ottawa Citizen newspaper. Last month, as part of an Easter special, the Citizen ran a multi-issue series highlighting stories about forgiveness that made for interesting reading and provoked some introspective contemplation. David Warren contributed a love story from his youth.

“From my parents’ good example, I had conventional ideas about love and marriage…” Translation: Gender stereotypes and gender expectations were well ingrained in my psyche long before my first relationship ever began.

He went on to introduce the first love of his life, a brief relationship ending as many do in youth - quickly and suddenly: “Within a few months the spell was lifting -- at least from her. In a moment, I was dumped, and she ran off with another boy…For thirty years, not a day passed, in which I did not remember my wound, and in which the wound didn’t influence my behaviour….Some years later I was told by someone who should know that X had disappeared or died under suspicious circumstances. I remember thinking, coldly, to myself, “She did to another man what she did to me, and got herself murdered.” Yet even though I now thought of her as dead, my wound did not heal.” Translation: It should come as no surprise to anyone if a woman rejects a man and subsequently gets herself killed.

This article was published between the time Turmel and Mailly committed the type of murder that Warren expected to be his X’s fate. The main difference between Warren’s statements and the actions of Roger Turmel and Frank Mailly is the result, but not their beliefs. All three men believed they were entitled to possess these women and that these women were not individuals free to live separate lives and make independent choices. Turmel and Mailly killed their wives. Warren let his contempt fester for thirty years before finding Catholicism and the strength to forgive her for wronging him. He forgave her for being an individual rather than an object for his possession. The Roger Turmel’s and Frank Mailly’s of the world have their beliefs validated by the David Warren’s of the world.

So we collectively have a choice: continue blaming the shooter while ignoring the root cause of male violence against women or looking in the mirror to understand how we facilitate the violence. A casual joke or seemingly innocent opinion or comment leads to the next guy making more harmful statements and/or jokes leading to the next guy maliciously degrading a woman leading to the next guy raping a woman leading to the next guy killing his wife. We have all played the role of David Warren somewhere along that spectrum which facilitates the final consequence.

Telling men and boys it is not okay to hit women is grossly insufficient. Previous generations believed likewise that “real men do not hit women”; however, the carnage continues unabated. Men and boys need to be taught that women are not possessions, women are not sexual objects, and women are not inferior. Men and boys need to be taught that their own actions, even if perceived to be innocent and harmless, facilitates more harmful actions by other men. First we need to acknowledge how each of us contributes to the problem, then teach our sons differently while holding other men accountable for even the most innocent of statements and actions. We live in a culture that allows women to be victims of male violence. It can be stopped but it takes courage and conviction from those men who know better.

Resource:
http://www.davidwarrenonline.com
http://www.canada.com/ottawacitizen